FUNNY NAMES

There were a few mothers attending a small seminar with a psychiatrist who claimed to know what their obsessions were judging by the names they gave their children.

He asked the first mother what he named her daughter and she said "Penny". So the doctor tells her she's obviously obsessed with money.

He moves along to the next mother who says she named her daughter "Brandy". So the doctor says she must be obsessed with alcohol.

Suddenly, a mother grabs her son by the arm and gets up, saying "C'mon Dick, let's go."

NICE ONE

It was a stormy night. A guy was driving in some mountains and his car broke down. He stopped it by a tree and walked down the highway looking for help. A headlight started to approach him from behind. He turned back and noticed a car coming forth very slowly. He walked up to it, opened the door, and sat on the passenger's seat. Then he suddenly notices that there was no driver, but the car was moving!
Before the guy could decide what to do, a sharp turn appeared a few meters before the car and it seemed that the car was going to go off the cliff. The guy trembled in fright, but a pale hand came in from the open window and turned the steering wheel! When the car finished turning around the curve, the hand withdrew. Every time there was a turn, the same hand would come in and guide the wheels of the car to safety.
The guy could not believe all this. As soon as he saw the lights of some rest stop by the road he jumped off the car and ran into a bar, pale, wet, trembling, and telling everybody that he had a most creepy, supernatural experience.
Then two young men dripping in mud came into the bar. One saw the guy and said, "Hey, that's the stupid fellow that got in our car while were pushing."

FUNNY JOKES

A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets of Delhi found himself needing to urinate badly. After a long search he could not find any place to you-know, and eventually couldn't control himself and chose a silent corner of a clean street to release himself.

As soon as he had just started you-know-what, a Delhi police official approached him, "Hey, What do you think you're doing here?"

Pakistani tourist: "Sorry I have to Pee"

Police : "No PP here okay ? Follow me."

The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass, flowers and singing birds around.

Police: "PP here..... and have a nice day".

Pakistani tourist : "Oh Sir, ....... that's very nice of you, is this Indian courtesy?"

Police: "No.......this is The Pakistani Embassy!"

FUNNY MAN

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

JHONNY JOKES

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the DAMN difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!

BAR JOKES

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time." the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life" says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. Once I got home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damned poison!"

CUSTOMER SERVICE JOKES

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...

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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.

Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note .

Customer: No ... Wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry.

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Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

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Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!

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Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

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Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?

Customer: No.

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Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

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Helpdesk: And now hit F8.

Customer: It's not working.

Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?

Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...

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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
Keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

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Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

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A customer couldn't get on the Internet...

Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

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Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

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Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?

Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?

Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?

Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?

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Helpdesk: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

WHO REACHED THE MOON FIRST

Indians Reached On The Moon B4 Americans..Heres The Proof

Americans juz Showed The Half Photo Here's The Full Version From A Trusted Source Working in NASA

FUNNY CLINTON

TITANIC BACK AGAIN

WHY SO SERIOUS

MOUSE

CAT

HORSE RIDING

COMB HAIR

ENEMYS OF BILL GATE

BILL GATES AND APPLE I PHONE

NEWTONS LAW OF SOFTWARE

First Law:
Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails
untill and unless he is assigned work by manager.

Second Law:
The rate of change in the software quality is directly proportional to the
payment received from client and the deadline time, and it takes place at
the quick rate as and when deadline force is applied.

Third Law:
Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It
can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in
the software always remains constant.

HE IS NOT YOUR FATHER

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.

His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood. With a sad face the old man said to his son, 'I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.

The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother. 'Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.

His mother smiling said to him, Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls.

You're not his son!!

DAM FISH

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

PISS

One day Johny he had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand and asked the teacher "can I go to the bathroom." she said no.

Then 5 mins later he raised his hand and said "damit I have to piss can I go to the bathroom."She said "no not with that mouth."She said now go to the corner and say your a,b,c's.frontwords and backwords

He went to the corner and said "a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z"

Then he said "z,y,x,w,v,u,t,s,r,q,o,n,m,l,k,j,i,h,g,f,e,d,c,b,a"

Then she said "Where is the p."

Lil Johny said "Running down my leg."

LITTLE JHONNY

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.The little girl was softly sobbing.

"why are you crying?" Little Johny asked.

"I'm here for a blood test,and they're going to cut my finger." said the girl

When he heard this, Little Johny started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

He looked at her worriedly and said,"I'm here for a urine test."

I WILL ANSWER THIS

The Teacher asked in the school "boys, a car is running at a speed of 90 kmph, then what is my age?"

All students became stunned. The Little Johny raised his hand and said "Sir, 40 yrs."

Very Good, said the teacher. But how did you calculate?

Little Johny said, There is a half mad person lives in our colony, whose age is 20 years

HEARTS HAVE LEGS

Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?"

The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"

Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweet heart open your legs."

APRIL

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR NOSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

JHONNY'S FIRST DAY IN SCHOOL

It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so
his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a
good kid but that he was an avid gambler.
He warned her that little
Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched
closely.

The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she
had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of
little Johnny's urge to gamble.

Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going."Oh, everything is going very well" she said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."

The father asked her what had happened."He absolutely insisted on
betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear," she said. "I
finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show
him that I had no mole."

"Crap!" The father said. "He bet me fifty
dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's bare butt before the
day was over."

GOOD MANNERS

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a
prominent family and during a dinner for two, you needed to go to the
toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee."
The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Jack replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll
be back in a minute."
The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

Teacher now asked johny what would he say?

Johny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go
shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to
introduce to you after dinner. " The teacher passed out..

JHONNY AND THE PRINCIPAL

Johnny missed his final exams due to the flu, but he'd
done so well during the year that the teacher suggested to the
principal that they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd
missed.

The principal agreed so they called Johnny into the office,
explained, then the teacher asked, "Johnny what does a cow have four of,
that I only have two of?" Johnny replied, "Legs."

The teacher asked,"Johnny, what do you have in your pants that i don't have in my pants?" Johnny replied, "Pockets."

The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the
capital of Italy?" Johnny replied. "Rome."

The teacher turned to the principal and asked,
"Should we pass him?" The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the
first two wrong"

THE WHOLE TRUTH

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."


Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

WHICH PART OF BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the
teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven
first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God. The teacher
praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand. The little boy says,
"I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very
good," said the teacher.

The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought,
"I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think
goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."
The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied,
"Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet
up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"

HARASSMENT

Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence.

Johnny: Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'.

MENS LOGIC

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.

The Problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor.

The child Should be in my custody."

The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"

The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...
Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"

I ASKED FIRST

L.Johnny: Can I go to the toilet?

Teacher: Johhny, MAY I go to the toilet?

L.Johnny: But I asked first!

DID THE SAME THING

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

MATHS

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two." ; "Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four." ; "Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she approached Ms. Jones and told her what happened. The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

TEACHER AND TED

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
TED: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
TED: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.


Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!


Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

SLOGANS FOR BOYS ONLY

Condoms slogan contest.

If you're gonna get funky, cover your monkey!

You'll go home a loner if you don't cover your boner!

Before you wag it, better bag it!

No balloon - no party!

You won't get a goody 'til you wrap your woody!

If you go into heat, package your meat!

Without a doubt, you should cover your spout!

Don't be a dork - wrap your pork!

Condoms: the pecker picker upper!

It don't take long to cover your schlong!

Stop and think, and then cover your dink!

Wrap your wagger if you're gonna shag her!

Put a rubber on your chubber!

If you are huffin' and puffin', protect your muffin!

You can't go wrong if you shield your dong!

Before you dive in, cover your skin!

Before you slip between her thighs, don't forget to condomize!

No glove, no love!

If getting naked is your plan, cover your penis like a man!

A condom is a crash helmet for your hot rod!

It only takes a jiffy to cover Mr. Stiffy!

Before you dip your wick, cover your d*c*!

Nothin' says lovin' like rubber in the oven!

When she's looking slinky, wrap your dinky!

Gift-wrap your member, especially in December!

It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter!

Don't bungle the job - cover your knob!

No condemnation for the Condom Nation!

Control your sperm - cover your worm!

It is not the length of the wand but the magic that's in it!

Backdoor boys have no choice - cover the skin or you don't get in!

Shroud the moose before you let loose!

Keep it calm, or it's you and your palm!

It's not always better, wetter!

If you wanna be mine, cover your vine!

SARDAR IN NEWYORK

Once a sardar went to newyork.There he went inside a huge building. He wants to go to the 50th floor so he goes inside the lift and ask's the lift man to to take him to the 50th floor. when the lift man recognises him as a sardar, he ask's him i have heard that all the sardar's in this world are halfwit fellow's,is it true?.Sardar disagrees with him .Then the lift man says "if u want to proove that all sardar's are clever and not halfwit you have to answer my simple question". sardar says ok! i will answer it.


Lift man asks that, there are three people living in my house. one is my child, other is my wife,who is the third one. the sardar unable to answer asks the lift man to answer it. the lift man says " i am the third one you fool" that's why they all say that sardars are halfwit fellows.


now sardarji with a great shame comes back to india and asks the same question to his friend who also is a sardar. His friend also being unable to answer the question asks him for the answer. Then the sardar replys " it is the lift man you fool!!! that's why they say that we sardars are halfwit fellows"