REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN MEN,WOMEN AND SEX

REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

You’re never too old to enjoy chocolate.
It’s safe to have chocolate while you’re driving.
You never feel guilty after chocolate.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
With chocolate – satisfaction’s guaranteed.


REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN MEN

No one’s ever been jilted by a chocolate gateau.
After telling your chocolate bar all your worries you can simply eat it.
You can share chocolates with your best friend.
A bar of chocolate doesn’t bore you by constantly talking about football.
Your mother will never disapprove of your choice of chocolate.



REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

Chocolate never keeps you waiting.
Chocolate doesn’t get jealous when you look at another chocolate bar.
You never have to buy a box of chocolates for a box of chocolates.
Chocolate doesn’t talk incessantly while you’re watching the football.
It doesn’t expect you to remember the anniversary of the first time you met.
Chocolate never tries to chat up your best friend.
Chocolate isn’t looking for a long term commitment.

HONERABLE MEN

Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)

If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

LIFE OF RILEY

A man sentenced to prison was put in a cell with an older convict who had been there for many years.

One day, they were talking about their pasts, and the old man said, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

"What happened?" his new cellmate asked.

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing.

CARD MIXUP

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this...somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

OLD MAN HAVE PROBLEMS

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's
like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried
with her mo uth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still
nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but
still nothing.

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

FUNNY JOKES

A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets of Delhi found himself needing to urinate badly. After a long search he could not find any place to you-know, and eventually couldn't control himself and chose a silent corner of a clean street to release himself.

As soon as he had just started you-know-what, a Delhi police official approached him, "Hey, What do you think you're doing here?"

Pakistani tourist: "Sorry I have to Pee"

Police : "No PP here okay ? Follow me."

The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass, flowers and singing birds around.

Police: "PP here..... and have a nice day".

Pakistani tourist : "Oh Sir, ....... that's very nice of you, is this Indian courtesy?"

Police: "No.......this is The Pakistani Embassy!"

FUNNY MAN

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

BAR JOKES

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time." the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life" says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. Once I got home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damned poison!"

NEWTONS LAW OF SOFTWARE

First Law:
Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails
untill and unless he is assigned work by manager.

Second Law:
The rate of change in the software quality is directly proportional to the
payment received from client and the deadline time, and it takes place at
the quick rate as and when deadline force is applied.

Third Law:
Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It
can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in
the software always remains constant.

DAM FISH

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"