A young unwed girl discovers that she is pregnant.
Scared, she confides this 'news' to her mother.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature
and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very
expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl,
and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll takeresponsibility.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a
beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy
will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is
twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You can try again!"....
Thursday, October 16, 2008
TRY AGAIN
LETTER TO BILL GATES
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
- There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
- We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.
- One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
- There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
- My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
- I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?
- It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
- There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
- You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
- You provide 'My Network Places'. For God shake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Banta
Last one from me to Mr. Bill Gates :
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?
BANTA AND THE FISH
Banta was carrying a large fish in a bucket of water away from a lake, which was well known for its excellent fishing when a Fishery officer stopped him.
The officer says, "Do you have a fishing license?"
Banta replies, "Don't need a license, this is my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the officer asked.
Banta answers, "Yes, every night I take my fish down to the lake and let him swim around for a while, then I whistle and he jumps up on shore and I put him in his bucket and we go back home."
"That's a bunch of baloney, fish can't do that."
Banta looks at the officer and says, "You want me to show you?"
Very curious now, the officer says, "O.K. I've got to see this"
Banta pours the fish into the lake then stands there waiting.
After a few minutes, the officer turns to Banta and says, "Well?"
"Well, What?" Banta says.
The Officer asks, "Are you going to call your fish back?"
"Fish! What fish?" Banta responds.
OLD MAN HAVE PROBLEMS
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's
like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried
with her mo uth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still
nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but
still nothing.
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
CHICKEN
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AGES
What is the difference
between girls aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?
At 8 - You take her to bed
and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story
and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story
to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story
and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story
to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed
to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed,
that'll be a story!!
QUESTION AND ANSWERS
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH : "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE : Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : George!
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn'thave ten years ago.
WILLY : Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY : You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE : Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN : I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Stumble It!